And will not get help for depression and alcoholism. I have become very depressed and anxious thanks to him and this relationship and Im slowly starting to feel like it is my fault, not his. We have 1 child together which deeply complicates things. But please believe in yourself you have to strength to take action to change. Im at my wits end. He has friends he has other girl friends let him go home to mom or? I am going to finish my bachelor, but I am not doing well on the monetary part. I want to watch tv to escape. My husband has been unemployed for over five, YES, FIVE years, yes, YEARS. I feed the cat because he thinks cat food is disgusting (it is, but I am less bothered by it). As for how this has impacted me: I am growing very resentful and embarrassed at his lack of ambition, we fight all the time, almost daily, and Ive gained weight and stopped taking care of myself. He doesnt even have a drivers license, Im usually the chauffeur for everything. I am about to give up on one of them and return it back to the bank, which will be a huge hit to our credit, but all of our savings are exhausted, and I am not sure what else to do. I am currently in a relationship that has been going since i was in the 10th grade. My mom insisted that he comes from a good family. My efforts to get him to go out, meet people, network have all fallen flat. Posted by BlaqueDaliah. He has a full time well paid job but his dad says he doesnt have to pay anything to live with us. I cant do this much longer! After retirement, living 24/7 with inactive husband will be scary! Luckily, he got called for a city job that he took an exam for in 2014. Only you know if there's something worth salvaging with your spouse something past the money, beyond the sex, on the other side of the resentment. Dont let them ruin YOUR life anymore, much less have them bail on your watch and break your children. I have my own bucket list that I want to see fulfilled. I suggested a few alternatives for him (back to school for a teaching degree and be a teacher, relocating to other cities with better job markets etc) but he just looked at you in silence, and then back to his old self. Also, he makes a good salary. My sister, at 49.5 years on February 2016, was finally diagnosed by Stadium 3 Breast cancer. I had been with someone previously who had passed away and he was the first guy who I really got involved in years later. And he is very forgetfully. He does not vacuum, clean, shop, wash or cook. I was rehired before thanksgiving. A wife whose "secondary" job is now a couple's only source . All the stories hit me to the core. Just read your post and it sounds like me!!! I feel partially responsible, as we moved to a new state right after we got married so I could take a new job, and he has been unable to find employment here. We are now married (and both employed), and while we obviously recovered from that moment, I wish I could say that weve figured out how to divide chores equally and happily. After so many examples here , you will find out that when a man become long term unemployed (say more then 3-6 months), they personality will change gradually. Here we are in August 2015 and my hubby can not find a job! I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. He has been out of work for at least a year now. I know because I am a wife who really struggles with keeping the house clean. There is a whole lot of feelings discussions out there about the impact of joblessness on families, but not much talk about how it can actually endanger the employment status of other family members. I think I am cycling through all of this just as he is and I am not sure how much longer I can be the supportive wife that I know I really have to be to get all of us through this. So I have been the sole breadwinner for years now and all he does is complain. He started school up recently and I am working as a waitress and going to college as well. If they are in a dark place, pray for them and your family that he comes out of it. In reality and on paper, she is a millionaire and yet, feels she can never stop working due to her difficult family background, when, as a teenager, her father went bankrupt and told her to find a job at 15, My wife is Singaporean and I am British. I need a man who can take care of himself. Meanwhile, as men earn more, women spend less time . I was getting sick so I asked him to skip his photography club gathering that night. Like Chris said above, it has helped to vent for a little while and thoughts are with everyone for a brighter future. I did some online dating for a week and then later found a wonderful, GIVING man who had his stuff together: steady job, willingness to do what it takes to get things done, and GRIT. Its a horrible way to think cause I come from divorced parents. I am in a similar situation. That all this work and stress Ive been going through was based upon a promise that she broke. Resentment is a bitch! It will not get better and who wants to wait and see anyway?? Thank you for your comment. eg. It takes time and courage for him to realize he has his problem. You would think their skills and experience in sales, marketing, customer service etc. But he lived with a mutual friend & i found out that he was continuing to see her building from an emotional affair to a sexual one. I still want a true job. People you view as lazy, nothing happening bums. May be tirelessly working to improve themselves and their situations, but you just dont or wont see it. In the last few months he has threatened to leave a few times and then gone back on what he said and actually moved to a new place with me. When I thought about how I want kids and would like to stay at home with them for a while, I came to realize I cant do this with him. You CANNOT continue to live like this! If youre the slacking-off spouse, you might feel frustrated by never getting it right when you help, justifying your avoidance to engage, Clark said. One thing for sure..I will receive no medals for my efforts to try and make this marriage work. why are you ladies putting up with this crap? So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. I am so sick of it. Anonymous. Sounds like hes a piece of work. Im looking into divorce, but now it turns out I may have to pay alimony! When we were renting a house we were nothing because we did not own a house. There are very nice nursing home facilities that would have taken care of your mom. During the 5th week of therapy, her oncologist increased her dosage, which made my sister sick. And i feel like i have 2 kids! Where I need advice involves the second shift that I work in our home. How sad is that. I also have to take care of our two dogs, clean, cook and do laundry. ContI made good grades, but I debating on grabbing a certificate. So it ended like this. I want 2 have an advice whether i should continue 2 live with him or just leave him if 2 days i dont go 2 work im bored at home but he.. he dont go 2 work for TWO years any1 there for a good advice? I just want to see a smile that i havent seen in more than a year. Or I work a ton of overtime & exhausted.he talks about how big my paycheck will be.and doesnt seem to understand my stress. I also had not sold my home in the UK due to the financial crash so still had one leg there. It can get much worse. My husband has been abusive in the past, but I came back. I moved out into my sisters and then into a room share on my own. My roommate is a serial squatter at this point who refuses to leave. When my family is not a topic, then it is president elect Trump and all the horrible things he has done or is going to do. What about those of us who were forced out of work due to injuries? You can locate a counselor in your area through our website. But, I felt sorry for him and people helped me when I was finishing off my doctorate, so I figured it was my turn to pay the world back, in a way. It is very difficult to change other people. So sad and helpless. hang in there! He has contacts that ask him to help with functions that pay well but they are usually (almost always) out of town. It is long overdue. I was on the opposite end. I just began a new job, we need my income without interruptions. Who feels for us ladies that are trying to make ends meet it is good life if you dont weaken. In my situation me the girlfriendunemployed for three months. One of the interviewers said to me, You have a masters degree and you want to serve me coffee? Were talking about a food service job, he worked in retail I view these industries as being largely similar if not the same in many respects. Laura, whose husband's joblessness put at risk their lifestyle (big house, full-time nanny, that kind of thing), had to force herself to go from being a notoriously blunt individual to one who was much more cautious. It really offends me that some people have posted that us partners with non-working husbands are money hungry or man bashing. Take it in stride. So he gets the credential (after his hard work much to his credit)and he is surprised that the sky doesnt just open with raindrops of jobs. Bad eyesight and poor coordination runs in the family I suppose. Part of HuffPost Relationships. Around 6000. I do not see that you will receive any benefit from this relationship, only exhaustion. I am actually in the same situation minus the need to travel, sort of. I climb ladders to change light bulbs which I shouldn't be doing that bc of my back. Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if its somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. He has not held a steady job in the entire 2 years that weve lived here. When things get critical financially he asks his sick mother for money and she sends it. Im aware that Im already in a state of stress and frustration over my husbands 1.5 year unemployment, but these tips really tick me off. I dont know if he will make a good father, if I will ever get back to uni, if he will ever be able to hold down even the simplest of jobs. If I break up with him and kick him out, he literally has nowhere to go. He has started paying a third of the rent, but it comes in drips and I often have to ask multiple times. So Im like bye. Sasha Mogensen, a professional organizer and home cleaning blogger, recommends that couples develop a housekeeping routine together. He barely spoke aside from venting about how much he hated it and how he really didnt want to be here. luckily when hed go on one of these tirades few (if any people) were in the kitchen to notice. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. When that happened I just tried to help the person gain more skills either online or with classes. ETA: PLEASE DONT POST THIS ANYWHERE ELSE THANK YOU. At the earliest opportunity after unemployment, you and your better half ought to take a seat together and strategize the pursuit of employment and talk about ways you can take off or possibly limit conflicts that accompany unemployment stress. I do love him but I feel my love fading. Everyone including my parents tell me to leave him but i love him. Im right there with u sister : ( You are smart to learn so early. I moved there and collapsed with the stress of the preceding years of working too hard, doing too much etc. Consider this a 9 month course you paid for to see what you do not want in a partner. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. I cook and clean and critiqued for all I do ,, my house is a construction zone with about 10 projects not completed,, theres some hope he may get done training but he doesnt get along well with the other animals .. Its 10 weeks and hell have to play nice , not fight or insult others.. Ive worked thru surgeries and injuries and raised a child ,, Im really done and want to be free if him ,, he says if he completes training and gets work we will split ,, how ironic ,, if he has an income it will be time for him to go ,, of course ! He had not been a saver and so my own financial canniness actually came back and bit me big time. Hes 31 and Im 23. I hate saying these things because then I sound selfish but IM TIRED. He has been out of the work environment so long, he doesnt how to be in a work environment. Im not in a position financially to throw $250 away in counseling without him making effort at the other requirements. Because of COVID it wont be easy for us to leave anytime soon and he has said if we separate hes taking off regardless of the rent or other bills we have to pay essentially leaving me and the kid to fend for ourselves. So he has these epic histrionics, I try to stay quiet no matter how much venom and nastiness he spews at me, and then he forgives me the next day. I wish I could separate with my DH, but with 2 school kids and a business just starting, it just not easy as difficult to find someone to love and look after my children. People get on your nerves and sometimes you just get sick and tired of seeing them, even if they havent said-done anything to you, you simply get fed up with seeing them all of the time. This is not logical and everyone knows. I love him so much, and just cant imagine him not in my life.but I cant watch myself settle. I hate the doubt in my mind that he isnt trying hard enough. Good luck to those of you still dealing with this issue, I hope you get beyond it in the most healthy way possible! I am losing respect for him and Ive become more assertive in the relationship. I am fed up, weve been together for 5 years now, Ive supported him for so long and I really just want to build a happy home with him, Its so depressing trying to stick by him. After few months of unemployment, he has been diagnosed as Depression. I hope when he is done with college.. Hell understand that not every one gets a job in the area of study. So, no excuses. I hope by December 2016 her cancer is under control. Sorry if I sound smug, but thats what your husbands should be doing, not living off you. I am now having all the same thoughts that I read through this great thread. You are only 20 and hard working . In a respectful, loving way ask for what you want. I have talked to my husband about how when he gets a new job, I would love to employ a regular house cleaner, but that we need to wait until we have a higher household income. I do not support him; however, I have watched him waste his time and life for 4 years with every excuse in the book why hes not employed. He lives with anxiety and depression and is unable to work, despite several attempts over the years. I come home from working all day and have to deal with things they could have taken care of when they were home but opted not to. I hope he cares for you more than a couple of guys that play soccer together. Then if after all this, he STILL WONT GET A JOBYOU MUST LEAVE THIS MAN CHILD. My husband resents that I dont workI have Epstein Barr. We have a 2 year old together and he does look after him abit but its still me that does everything, if I ask more than once Im nagging so I just end up doing it, he is supportive of my ptsd but sometimes I feel like im drowning doing everything and i have to push my self being the breadwinner. Im past the encouraging and supportive stage. Its sad and pathetic to me. If that happens I will lose the job that I have that supports two people. Find happiness and peace in yourself, save yourself. Im tired of taking care of my bf! Ive got to the stage where I feel im on the verge of collapsing under the strain if things dont change (which looks unlikely). I lost my full time job but found a part time job that barely pays the bills. I wish my situation was that easy. I was brought up in a traditional family, with the father being the provider. I ask a couple of questions and he says the same thing promoting our movie. Participate in life, or make everyones life easier and get out. He chose to drink anyway for days in a row until either he left n put himself into rehab, which he clearly needed or we all had to leave. Well I am not going to stand by and meditate why? At least my DH love my children. Some people try to play the responsible person but cant keep it going because deep inside they feel entitled to come and go from a job as they please because mom or dad or another girl will catch him and play house with him. I didnt fight him as I had felt so grateful to him for helping me regain my health and having looked after me so much. 1. He was employed at a jobbarely working 5-10 hours a week- for over a year prior to that. Kelsey, kick him out. Years ago, when we were both in our 20s, my live-in boyfriend went through a stint of unemployment. As do you. He refused to even consider returning to school .. Im too old .. These are not easy questions, and the answers are not any easier. I feel like its always important to evaluate the realities we have and ask ourselves fundamental questions about our situation. We increasingly fight and I have turned into a caustic nag seething with stress and resentment. I actually felt better reading all these responses because i know I am not alone and I have a place to vent. I had just started a new job that week and couldnt take off. The emotional laborer in the relationship was probably too damn tired to add it to their to-do list. I dont lie but he does and its so so hard to be a believer in situations like this when it seems its For worse, poorer, and sickness. I have felt gaslighted, future-faked, scapegoated, manipulated and financially abused. He has anxiety and depression its the worst. I asked him why you spent so much time on work that did not make money at the time we need money. They dont want to fit in the position job market needed for the time being, but they just want to work in the position they like. I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. bottom line is dont punish yourself for getting in this dealeo, just reverse course, these are only interactions with fellow human beings, look out your window there are thousands of us. I recently had a baby and now I cannot work due to the fact my son refuses to take a bottle he wont even let it in his mouth for a second. Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. However as I reflect back to most of last year when I wasnt working and staying home with our toddler child, it really made me upset that he did not step up to the plate and gained some sort of employment. I still work full time! Good vibes to all of you. I need someone who can hold their own so we can help each other. you should have a much better future and settle down with a nice man. My parents cooked all meals together. For me , as long as it give me money I dont mind the nature of work. I want to live alone. Which had lead me to just shutting down. I am her older sister, so naturally I started to help her with the necessities. We use data about you for a number of purposes explained in the links below. In addition, I think relationship is not a legal proceeding, where you find guilty you will be punished. I live with my family, my daddy is a millionaire and my boyfriend is a little bit poor. To be fair to us, men do a lot more housework than in 1949. He has read all my emails and drives me crazy about my past. I see it in his eyes how crazy he is about me but Im having second thoughts. I have failed two jobs already for a year and right now, Im unemployed for one month. He doesnt help with bills except cable because he sits all day and watches tv, he does no house cleaning or laundry. Since the kids came to live with me, their grades have improved dramatically (I insist on a routine, and assist them with homework daily). It may take some alternative solutions, such as hiring a teenager to mow the lawn. (willingly or unwilling due to the children) My suggestions arent being taken anymore, at this point, I think hes so afraid of rejection, he doesnt even want to try. Ah guys! There is a difference between a spouse and a lazy ass. My problem is he wont decide and he wont discuss. He just sat on his butt and kept saying, I just want to work! but he needs to bring in some kind of money NOW. He went through multiple stages of screening. Lesson use meditation and mindfulness to value your partner and get back to some employment and love yourself for that small step. We still have sex 2-3x/week but it used to be everyday and used to be much better. If you admit the reality and the logical consequence you can make the better choice for your life. He ran out his unemployment benefits n @1st looked for work but slowly the looking came to a halt. So it probably isnt a case of people not trying hard enough or not seriously looking for work. In many cases, there simply isnt work to be found unless you have some kind of specialty like a degree in the medical field or something. He is helpless and weak and I read my do despise those qualities. It is somewhat relieving to know that I am not alone. So spend some time discussing how to resolve this. You have a son and he comes first. Is marriage all about money? Have confidence.". He has supported me during some very rough times, such as a serious injury and multiple surgeries, and some difficult family deaths. If you are out actively seeking employment and honestly giving your best effort AND you are working any job (even if its flipping burgers or being a Walmart greeter) you can find until you get back into your career job.then this thread isnt about you, because you are making an effort. I doubt itll be the same thing, I swear. I am getting away from this man. Do it yourself. His parents blamed our daughter and me. But you, my friend, are free because you can put yourself first by putting him out. This person has been living off of the unemployment gravy train of the past year or so after being fired from a job where they simply made no effort to get along with their boss or do what they were asked to do, its as though they wanted to be fired and did what they could to get handed their walking papers. It is soooo.difficult the bad days I self harm just to get some release. If I suddenly won the lottery would I be the good guy again? Ladies if your man wont get off his ass and DO something anything! I've heard this argument a lot, from the husband's side; "my wife doesn't cook or clean!" From the wife's side; "I shouldn't be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning!" This is a hotly debated topic, but one thing I do know - when one spouse isn't pulling their weight, the marriage is likely My Wife Doesn't Cook or Clean! To make things move faster, refrain from complaining about what your partner isnt doing and just ask your partner for help, he said. Answer: In my experience, when people write about about whether or not they should leave their partner they have already made up their mind. But it is not because I fear God. I just cant. My husband doesn't do any housework or chores. We moved into a bigger house as the kids needed bedrooms of their own. I for the life of me cant figure out why she is so hung up on me quitting a secondary job that I was just working for extra money and how little she cares about how miserable it was making me. ( the partner of unemployed wife usually has less problem. Hi Luzy, how is your situation going? Zero income. At that time, the man was running a graphic design business from home, in cooperation with another person. I am really lost, the worst part is my family doesnt even know he is there, they thought he had left for good. I have to work to support us. He ended up living with me quite quickly, our whole relationship moved too fast. It does take awhile unfortunately, but it is the only way. Do you want a clean bedroom more than you care about the dishes being done? She has her high school certificate and has done part of a Bachelors degree. 2. It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. If we are evicted Im taking the kids and leaving. If you walk into places like Walmart and act as though you are better than this place and are merely doing them a favor by agreeing to lower your standards and work there chances are you wont be working there. Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesnt want to be in this situation as much I do. Everytime when I got home, house & kids is dirty, dishes is unwashed from morning, My DH cooks dinner but cook with no heart at all so I dont eat dinner usually. He went back to work and within the same week he just decided he didnt want to do that job anymore and he walked out. I wont like it, but thats the type of decision an adult makes. If I point out I am doing something, I am a monster. Routinizing gender production via housework, unemployed men may do less house-work even as unemployed women do more. Same as your situation, we moved to a totally new city (and country) because of my family situation and my husband hasnt landed on a permanent job for quite a long time and that got him depressed even he didnt admit it at all. He played away his time on a severance package instead of looking for work or retraining, for a year. We had a good amount leftover, so we agreed it would NOT be touched, just sit and gain interest weve been married just over two years, so a nest egg for a house or a kid was a blessing. The author enumerates various reasons as to why husbands do not help women in everyday household work as much as they should. Have a discussion about your values. I am no rocket scientist. Their truancy from school has also decreased. That is not to say that its a perfect split, or that there is no room for improvement, nor do the above stats cover all aspects of household dutiesbut to try and state that there is some gross inequality occurring within the family in general just doesnt stand up. He keeps intimating moving back home, but I dont want to. I am the bread-winner and only make about $55K. Be open to what God may attempt to show you both through this experience.
